Before reaching the verge of complete collapse or may be the stage from which certain things in life will become irreversible, we all reach a juncture where one strong decision might avert a foreseen disaster. I think, now it’s my turn take that strong decision.
On August five I will complete a decade in the city. The urge to write this blog at three on a Monday morning is triggered by a brutal realisation on Sunday afternoon.
The sound of pouring rain woke me up at 1:30 pm on Sunday morning. Although I was sleeping on the same bed where I used to sleep 7 years ago but certainly I was not the same person. From a young man in his early twenties, with dreams to make it big I am a man approaching his thirties and completely disgusted with himself.
On Saturday our hostel had organised an alumni meet and we were all allowed to spend a night and sleep in our old rooms. Like always it was a great party and like always alcohol was not enough for me. After the dinner was over and the bar was closed my usual urge of drinking more made me ask my friends to drive to the nearby Jhuggi clusters. In Delhi these are the only places where one can find booze once the shops are closed. Well, four of us went out to get the stuff. As usual no one else was interested in drinking and everyone wanted to spend most of the available time in hostel. I was the only one who wanted to drink more. I got a half whiskey bottle finished it sitting on the hostel entrance and again had the desire to drink more. My helpless friends once again went out with me to get the booze. I bought another half and this time we went to the lawns. The dawn was breaking and there were others around. We sat with a group of seniors and I started drinking my stuff. Before the whiskey was over we became quite friendly. One of seniors who recently made a film was talking about his experiences. He got more stuff from his room. It was full daylight and I was still drinking. Everyone left at around 7:30-8 and we also pushed off for my room. After that I forgot everything.
I woke up at 1:30 pm on Sunday and I was all alone because unlike me the others were in their senses. My friends were kind enough to get my helmet from one of their cars and put it on the table. My wallet, specs, cell phone everything was neatly put in the drawer. There were two missed calls; both home. I called back and my mom picked the phone telling me that i called them at 4 am and i was not making sense and they were generally worried. I don’t remember calling them. I was feeling disgusted. My head was heavy and I could still sense the intoxication. Naturally I was not in position to drive 30 kms to reach my room. I called a friend who lives nearby and went out in the rains to reach his place. Soaked in rain I dropped down on the floor and fell asleep. I got up at 7:30-8 and I was dismayed by my behaviour.
Came back to my room and I was thinking about these seven years. Of course I might not have reached the moon but whatever i was, now i could sense that I am falling to the nadir. I am just going down, down and down. I have no ambitions and i am not committed to my work. Everyday I reach office 2-3 hours late. My boss doesn’t say anything but I guess there is a limit to everything. I don’t know how alcohol became so important that now my life just revolves around it. The only thing I sincerely do is drink. Don’t know what is killing me. Is it my break ups or the non achievements of my own goals, whatever it is, it’s enough now and I want to quit. I have messed up my finances. Even with a considerably decent earning I could not afford a good lifestyle as the majority of my salary goes to the booze shops. I have only one jeans a pair of shirts and I don’t have money to spend on cloths, good food, books, movies or other things. I have not invested anywhere so far. My work gives me sufficient growth options but I am simply not willing to utilise it because for me drinking is more important. Alcohol is the binding force for most of my friendships. Now I just have a handful of non alcoholic friends. I have decided not to drink from today. Take a long break and then bring drinking to social drinker level. Will also cut down on smoking. I am smoking about 30 cigarettes a day which i want to reduce. Wish me luck.
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